Strength

Today my post is not about physical strength- today I am referring to the strength you find deep down in inside yourself! I guess I should start at the beginning so you understand. Here goes...

 

I have had this crazy dark spot on my right ear that I have noticed for a few years (maybe more, I really don't know) that I asked my doctor about at my last physical because it had started to scab over and "change". He was concerned about it and wanted me to see Dermatology for it. So, last Friday I headed to the Dermatology office for my appointment. They looked it over and told me they were pretty sure it was a Basel Cell Carcinoma, the most common form of skin cancer. He said that form doesn't spread so you don't really have to be too worried it just does localized damage to the tissue where it is at. They did a biopsy to check it out. I was told it would be 7-10 days until I got the results. I went about my weekend of celebrating the holidays with my family out of town. I had a great weekend thinking that it was all going to be ok and the worst case I would have to go back in to have a little more of the spot removed to make sure they got it all. It was ok because it wasn't a form that would spread so it would be fairly easy to take care of it.

 

Monday afternoon I had to work and I missed a call from the provider. He left me a message saying that they had the results back and that I should call him back. I didn't get the message until after hours so I had to wait until Tuesday morning. Since I got the message while I was at work I mentioned it to a couple of co-workers and I was told to "stay strong".



I have heard this numerous times this week.

 I called right away and left a message that I would be available all day and he called back shortly after that. He told me that it wasn't what they thought at all and that what I had was a malignant melanoma, the worst kind of skin cancer. He told me that I would be referred to an ENT where they would do a procedure where they will inject a radioactive dye around that area to see which lymph nodes it goes to and then they would do a lymph node biopsy to see if it has spread. With those few words my world was turned upside down! I thought I was dealing with something completely different and had spent the weekend thinking it was all going to be ok because it was localized and now I am wondering if it is anywhere else in my body!

This sums up how I feel right now.

Everyone keeps telling me to stay strong and be positive. But it SUCKS!!! I hate the not knowing what is going on inside my own body. It is ironic because I feel the healthiest and strongest that I have felt...physically. I don't know that I am that strong inside. My mind keeps playing nasty tricks on me. Just when I think I am good and can handle all of this, my mind thinks of all of the "what ifs" . I found the following on Pinterest and I guess I have to believe it. At this point I don't have a choice!

 At this point the next step is a consult with ENT on Dec. 27th. The hardest part is waiting and not knowing. Operation Determination has taken on a whole new meaning to me- I am DETERMINED to not let this bring me down! Even though I am not sure I am strong enough to handle all of this everyone keeps telling me I am...

 

 

.... I just hope that I start to believe them soon.