Thursday, April 28, 2016

Running is my therapy

We have been having a tough week or so due to Isaac having some behavior issues at school ending with an incident that he participated in resulting in really hurting the feelings of one of his best friends, whose family we are also very close with. It has been an emotionally draining time for all of us! Add to that me working Wednesday-Friday last week and so far Monday-Wednesday this week- all 12 hour shifts. That has made dealing with emails/texts/phone calls/voice mails, etc very challenging... very necessary but very challenging and now I am also physically drained! Last night after work, I was able to have a very nice chat with my friend, and the mom of the child Isaac upset. It was great to talk to her mother to mother and process through the situation together and I feel good about where we are headed and know that we can all help support the boys the best we can. Their friendship is important to all of us! They have been close for several years and it has been a good relationship for each of them. We were also finally able to coordinate a meeting with the principal, his teacher and the school counselor this morning and  I think we are on the right track there too.  Now it is just a matter of mending those broken fences!

After getting back home from the meeting at the school I just wanted to crawl back into bed but  I knew that it wouldn't make me feel better in the end. I knew what I needed... a good, hard RUN! Even though my mind was racing all over the place I also felt hyper-aware of everything on this run. I was fully present and in tune with myself and it was strange and amazing all at the same time!

As I started out I couldn't help but notice how much this run was representing my past several days. The weather was dreary and drab just like my mood. It tried to rain on me multiple times just like I had shed some tears over the past days due to feeling disappointed in both Isaac and myself as a parent. There were hills that were tough to charge up but I knew I had to push through to enjoy the view at the top. There were down-hills that felt like I was coasting though time.

the ups and downs of the past several days
At times, the wind picked up and made it tough to move forward... like when I was upset, angry, and felt frozen in fear of what was going to happen to Isaac and what was going to happen with his and our friendships that were involved. At first my breathing felt crazy and out of control much like my world over the past several days but as my feet continued to hit the ground I started to feel more and more grounded and was able to take control of my breathing very similar to how this whole process has felt. At that point, I was also able to take in and appreciate the beauty around me- the flowering trees and all of the beautiful spring flowers.

To me these beautiful things represented all of our wonderful relationships and amazing support system. I also noticed all of the new leaves and buds on the trees indicating to me that we are going to all be able to grow from this experience and flourish like we are meant to! I struggled to keep my pace consistent just like I wanted to rush through this process and make it better knowing full well that it was best to take it easy. I started out feeling very little confidence but as the miles went by I felt more and more confident in the fact that I knew what was the best next steps and as I was able to feel that way my pace was able to get faster and faster. It was a tough run (mostly emotionally) and I had to push myself through the process but in the end I felt much better!

The universe works in very strange ways and my music during my run was also interesting to me and something that I was in the moment enough to take note of. No matter what I was thinking it felt like just the right song would come on for that thought. Here are a few examples:

Feeling defeated and struggling up a tough hill

Feeling emotional over the whole situation and what the consequences could be

Feeling down about myself in general
(Tim says this song is how he thinks of me)

Inner critic creeping in
(another one that Tim says expresses how he feels about me)

all the feelings in one song and being grateful for walking through this with Tim by my side
(another song that Tim has played for me in the past)

as I was noticing all of the beautiful flowering trees

As I came around the block to home- feeling more confident.
 I am absolutely serious about when each of these songs came through my earbuds. It was crazy how spot on each was with how I was feeling at the time!

turquoise flower= believe & stay strong
#FFCREW Hat= fiercly united
It felt great to get out there and in the end I was so glad I did. It was a much healthier way to deal with all of my emotions than sitting around on social media comparing myself to everyone else's highlight reel while eating crap! That just drags me down. This run helped boost me back up and helped give me an entirely new perspective! It is amazing to me the power of running!

This was a "turquoise flower run" for me and for my middle man who I love with all of my heart! Now to build him back up so that he starts to believe in himself and see his potential like we do!! Maybe I need to get him out there running with me:)