Work in Progress

Who else struggles with body image issues? I definitely do and have for as long as I can remember... the struggle is definitely real! Just when I feel like I am making progress something happens that sets me back. It's usually one of two things:

1) Seeing pictures or videos of myself

2) Shopping for some piece of clothing

First, let's address #1. Fun fact about me: I hate having my picture taken or being in videos! Why? I hate seeing myself. I hate it because I don't feel like the outside matches how I feel on the inside  and that frustrates me. Most of the time I feel very strong and relatively fit (conditioning days at Burn always have a way of testing that feeling). I know that my body is doing great things in my workouts because I am seeing progress in that area. I am lifting heavier than I think I ever have and am doing things that I once couldn't and all that makes me feel strong. Then I see pictures or videos of myself and, honestly, I am usually disgusted by what I see. I don't see myself as strong. I don't see the legs that can now do weighted squats when just a few years ago they couldn't do a body weight squat. I don't see the arms that can bicep curl or chest press heavier weights than ever before. All I see are the flaws. I know that I do this and it is something that I am always working on. But, it doesn't just happen. It is a process and is something that needs to be practiced. I have to consciously tell myself to look at the picture or video again and reframe my thoughts to be positive. I need to force myself to take time to look at and honor the good things that I see in the photos. I have to break the habit of the negative self-talk that I have going on in my head. Journaling and positive affirmations have worked for me in the past and I can definitely tell when I get too far away from that routine. It may feel silly at first but just as this negative self talk becomes a habit it is possible to replace it with a positive habit instead. Positive affirmations can help rewire our brains and change our perspective! For me, it helps to journal the positive affirmations each day until I start to really believe them. It is sort of a "fake it until you make it" situation. I keep repeating the affirmation as if it is already true in my journal until it becomes real in my mind.

I love when I can break out the heavy weights!

It never fails, just when I feel like I am making progress and let up on the practice of the affirmations because I am feeling like I am in a good place something happens that can throw me off course. This is where #2 from above came in recently for me. I was feeling pretty good about myself - feeling strong after several weeks of solid workouts and then it happened. I found myself in need of a new winter coat. How hard could that be? Let me tell you! It took 3 days, 2 different cities, 15 stores and lots of frustrations! Something that seems like it should be so simple to do - find a winter coat in February in Wisconsin/Minnesota, and it derailed my mindset!

In my closet I have clothes ranging from size medium to 2XL. My typical size is L/XL in tops depending on the cut and large or 12-14 in pants. Most of my workout clothes are larges. The sizing and fit of women's clothes is always a frustration because a certain size never seems to fit the same in different items and shopping is never fun. Finding a winter coat proved to be a real struggle- physically and mentally! If I was an XS I could have had the pick of every store but my sizes were very limited. I tried on larges that I couldn't even get my arms into or I couldn't move my arms if I did get them in. I tried XL when I could find one but again I couldn't move my arms or shoulders at all. The 2XL fit great in the shoulders but the rest of it looked like I should have a pregnant belly or a small toddler hiding in there with me. Store after store, coat after coat (or lack of), I found myself getting frustrated and shutting down. The negative body image and negative self talk reared it's ugly head and that lead to poor food choices when eating out which just makes the whole situation worse.

Back in the gym on Monday and I struggled with my workout! My mindset was still not right and my body was feeling the poor food choices from Saturday! I did do a pretty quick course correction with my food and got that back on track on Sunday. But taking some time to reflect on this whole experience helped me see that it's time to get back to the journal and affirmations. It is a practice and I had let my practice go by the wayside. I need to start carving out time in my day to get back into the routine. Just like making an appointment or setting up a meeting for work, I am going to "schedule" time in my day to take care of me too! It really is all a work in progress. I don't have all of the answers on how to deal with this but the fact that I was able to course correct and not let it drag me down for several days is definitely progress and I will take progress like that any day.

Monday's workout may not have been the best but I showed up and did the work. After a couple of days with better nutrition I was able to crush leg and back day on Tuesday as well as metcon today. After doing these two workouts my body is feeling strong again. Snatches were in the workout today and are my all time favorite exercise... they definitely have a way of helping to boost my confidence back up!! As for my mindset - it is getting there. I am working on the affirmations and journaling to get that negative self talk around body image to at least be more of a neutral self talk in regards to body image - I am taking that "I look terrible" and am changing it to "I don't look too bad" or even "This is me today and I look ok". 

This was me today post metcon camp.

This is me today and I look ok. Do I see flaws when I look at this picture? Of course! That is still my first instinct but then I stopped myself and said - wow, she worked hard in that camp. Look at that red face and cardio hair - she pushed herself.  I may not be completely happy with where I am at and there are things that I would like to see change but I am doing the work. I am staying consistent with my workouts. I am getting my nutrition in check. I am working on my mindset. I know that I am doing the right things and as long as I am patient (not one of my strong suits) I will start to see the results! There are no quick fixes and it is a journey for a reason. I am trying to embrace this journey that I am on and as long as I keep seeing progress in some way, I know that I am on the right track!

Rest, Adjust, Reset

Today was one of those days that had me feeling defeated and like I was just not enough. I knew enough to take the first step of taking a break and stepping away from the situation in order to reset myself. Then I found myself wanting to eat all of the things that I knew I shouldn't. Wait a minute, let me flip that thinking - I wanted to eat all of the things that I knew wouldn't help me reach my goals. Maybe someone should come remove the chocolate chips from my house so they don't tempt me in the future! Anyway, this is definitely a habit that I am working hard to break. I am trying to have a healthy relationship with food and instead of using it as a coping mechanism, I am trying to develop a relationship of food being fuel. But it is hard! 

Instead of reaching for those darn chocolate chips or an oversized serving of trail mix, I ate a healthy lunch. Then, I took another step that can be hard for me - I reached out for help! Over the past few months I have been challenged by some of my leadership team to allow myself to open up and be vulnerable. I have to admit it is hard for me to do that with more than a few close friends or family. But, I took a step back and asked myself what I would say to one of our members if they were coming to me saying these things and then I posted a quick message in our private members only page. I put it out there that I was on the struggle bus today and asked for help/suggestions and it didn't hurt one bit. I was a little nervous or anxious but I got some really helpful ideas.

• drinking water
• going for a walk
• making a smoothie
• adding lemon to warm water
• reflecting on what I am avoiding or not dealing with
• walking with music
• fresh air
• eating fruit or a smoothie
• chewing gum
• taking a step back to think about how those foods that I am wanting will make me feel and really thinking through if I still want it bad enough to feel that way
• Protein shake or protein balls
• calling a friend 
• cleaning a closet for distraction
• drink a warm cup of tea

journaling and hot tea for the win

 

Most days I would go for a walk, hike or even a quick bike ride but it is frigid out so that was off my list for today (note to self: get my bike set up in the trainer so I can do that in the future if needed). Instead, I made a yummy cup of hot tea and took a few minutes to chill on the couch with my pups. I took some time and reflected on how I was feeling and why. I did a little journaling to get my thoughts on paper and out of my head. I spent a few minutes chatting with a coworker/friend who knew exactly how I was feeling and we worked through some of it together. By the end of the conversation we were ready to pull up our big girl panties and move forward - pity party OVER!

Sometimes we just have to be brave enough to take these steps. Take some time to rest and adjust in order to reset and move forward.

Making a comeback!

Where do I even begin?! 

So much has happened over the past 5 years! I can't believe that my last post Riley was finishing 8th grade! He has now graduated and is a freshman at the University of Iowa!! WOW, time really does have a way of getting away from you. 

I guess we will start with what brought me back and take it from there.

My boss recently started up her own podcast, Be A Beast, to document her health and wellness journey. You really need to check it out! I can relate to so many things that she is saying. It has been so inspiring to witness her on her own journey and to follow her through her podcast. All of it got me thinking about this blog and how much I have missed it! 

In talking with her I mentioned that I once had my own blog but was unable to access it anymore to continue posting. She asked for the link so she could read it and that sent me down a rabbit hole of reading all of my old posts.  WOW! I was surprised how some things hit me. So many things have changed yet so many have stayed the same. But it lit a fire in me to want to get it going again. I did some digging and after several hours on Google I am back!!

Out on our first snowshoeing trek

I am no longer running - long story but my knees won't allow it much, if at all, anymore. Reading my old posts made me realize just how much I miss it and having that goal race or time to be working towards. I gained so much through running and felt like I found myself and my community through it. Then in an instant, I felt like my body betrayed me by not being able to do it anymore.

Fast forward to where I find myself now and I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. All of those lessons learned out on the pavement and being a part of that community have led me to where I am now. I have been able to mesh together my passions for helping people and for working out with my career. I have also found an amazing community similar to what I found in the running community. About 2 years ago Burn Boot Camp came into my life when I jumped into the Operations Manager role of a new location and it has changed me in so many ways (more on that in a future post).

One of my happy places

Over the past 2 years I have thrown myself into helping all of our members and helping build (and begin to rebuild thanks to COVID) our gym. It makes my heart happy to see all of our members coming in and crushing workouts everyday. It brings me so much joy to be getting to know them and their families and to be a part of this amazing journey that they are on. I am loving every minute of seeing their transformations - changes in their physical appearance as well as so many positive mental changes. I see their confidence growing and see them helping and supporting each other out on that floor.  I am honored and blessed to say this is my job. 

Seeing our members on their journey to health and wellness has opened my eyes to my own journey and that has inspired me to want to document it again. There are so many times that I catch myself getting negative or frustrated with my journey. I have to stop myself and flip my self-talk to to talk to myself like I do my members.  My workouts are the easy part. They are non-negotiable for me. I do 5-6 camps per week and it isn't hard to convince myself to get there and get it done. It is part of my routine and I know just how much it helps set the tone for my day. The challenge for me lies in the putting myself out there and sharing about my challenges or successes. When it comes to my nutrition I feel like I am having to get back on the wagon again and again. BUT, I am ready!  I am ready to start documenting and sharing my journey. I know how much it helps me when I hear about the successes or challenges that my members are having so why not share about mine as well. All of that takes me right back to why I started this blog in the first place - to hold myself accountable while hopefully inspiring those around me! I am so excited to be back!

Staying active with new adventures

Embracing winter in Wisconsin